Being afraid of being sick forever and doomed, cursed – the idea that my disorder was due to trauma

rocher rongé à de multiples endroit dans une forêt
I was afraid that my brain would be destroyed, that areas had disappeared, that I would no longer regain my cognitive abilities and that I would be happy. When I was told that the brains of schizophrenics were shrinking in size, I was extremely scared.

I had the idea that I had become ill because of a trauma, like being raped as a child without remembering it or anything else. It might seem consistent because there is no reason for me to be sick like that, and then it's reassuring, it means that I'm normal, it's just that there was a trauma happened to me, and that contrary to my constant feeling, it's not me the culprit. And then there's a bad/serious thing and there's a culprit so it's consistent, and it gives hope that we can find the trauma and that we can heal by finding that trauma. I had a period with this idea.

I was afraid that if there was a bug in my brain, it would be definitive and it would not be repairable, that my brain would be abnormal, finished, outdated, destroyed, that I would be abnormal, so this idea of trauma, more natural reassured me, and I would like to believe in it at this time. I was afraid that my brain would never return to normal, that I would be condemned, that it would not be repairable, this idea terrorized me.
jeu de jenga qui tient tout juste en équilibre
I was afraid that everything would change and that I would go crazy at every moment.

Today I think that it is just a disorder of biological origin of neurons, and that if researchers find the origin of this disorder, it could perhaps come back in order, it also has something reassuring, but I think it can be true because for me the ideas of schizophrenics and other psychiatric diseases are just from an exacerbation of phenomena normal in the brain.

I was often afraid that the serious disruption of my brain could only get worse.

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