I had the idea that I had become ill because of a trauma, like being raped as a child without remembering it or anything else. It might seem consistent because there is no reason for me to be sick like that, and then it's reassuring, it means that I'm normal, it's just that there was a trauma happened to me, and that contrary to my constant feeling, it's not me the culprit. And then there's a bad/serious thing and there's a culprit so it's consistent, and it gives hope that we can find the trauma and that we can heal by finding that trauma. I had a period with this idea.
Today I think that it is just a disorder of biological origin of neurons, and that if researchers find the origin of this disorder, it could perhaps come back in order, it also has something reassuring, but I think it can be true because for me the ideas of schizophrenics and other psychiatric diseases are just from an exacerbation of phenomena normal in the brain.
I was often afraid that the serious disruption of my brain could only get worse.