Feeling unhealthy demonic and afraid that people will realize my thoughts.

Belle photo d'une passiflore sur fond de feuilles de buisson
Passionflower is the flower of Christ. For me, religion did not represent inner peace and hope, but the fear of appearing demonic to others.
I had a good part of the time the impression of being deeply unhealthy or even demonic, that when I talked to people I risked contaminating them, condemning them with my unhealthy side, and that especially towards the end of my journey without treatment, when I was in the first year of medicine.

I blamed myself for hurting them, for creating a deep malaise in them. Yes it happened especially in the 1st year of medicine just before I treated myself, as I was not in my place in medicine, I felt that I was in the permanent lie to force me to continue medicine, I kept the crazy secret that I did not really want to do medicine but that I was there anyway, a lot of the reasons why at that time I wanted to continue medicine were really crazy. I constantly feared that others could read into me these crazy ideas that pushed me to continue. I was in the lie permanently, I had the impression of betraying people, and that it would make them sick because I will be able to unconsciously transmit to them my problems, and inner conflicts, the unconscious unspoken that create my discomfort, for example when I forced myself too much to learn in the library with friends until total psychic exhaustion, I feared that they would do the same thing and make themselves definitely mentally ill like me.

This extreme fear almost made me feel like people could read the content of my thoughts by my attitude.

photo en semi contre jour d'une fontaine dans un kiosque à Seville
I only half believe in religion today, it could be true or it could be false from a certain point of view, but I feel that it can be a hope for people.

As the content of my thoughts was unhealthy, that is why there were taboos, misunderstandings in conversations, and I did not talk about the content of my thoughts, I told myself that it would create psychic knots in my friends and that I would be responsible for contaminating them by creating this malaise.

And so if I thought something unhealthy like the idea that if the person I was talking to gets hit by a car right after the conversation, I felt that this person could realize that I was thinking that. And so it kind of judged that what I thought was frankly unhealthy, it must have bothered him to feel that, and I it bothered me to see that he had to think that.

Same with inappropriate sexual fantasies or unwelcome ideas like thinking that one is demonic in catechism. It was serious to think that in my mind. I was afraid during the catechism of being someone demonic in the eyes of the other students of the cate, as I had this impression, I told myself that it was proof that I really was, indeed when we are told about God, we must be reassured, carried, and not to be afraid of being demonic, if people are afraid of being demonic when we talk about god it is because they are really demonic. I imagined others thinking for themselves this.

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