The guilt of feeling a burden on society.

photo d'un pont à moustier sainte marie
Feeling alone in the face of the guilt of being a burden on society.

It's very possible that my family must have worried about me, I don't really know, it bothers me a little to think about it, maybe because my psychiatric illness remains for me in the realm of the intimate.

Benefiting from the AAH (this aid of 900 € per month for adults with disabilities) is extremely important, it still allows you not to be on the street if your family is poor, it is also knowing that you are not going to be a burden for your family …

… if his family had to support the sick person. For me, to feel like I was in charge of my family would have been a shame, a suffering and a great guilt, I would have experienced it very badly, I would have atrociously blamed myself for being really a burden.

un oursin dans les mains d'une fille
I would have been uncomfortable reaping the fruits of my work: so much suffering for little benefit, plus I felt that my work was not deserved because in my opinion, trades are harmful to society?

I had trouble working, it's always a little bit the case, and I can be self-employed but a job with a fixed schedule seems impossible to me, because I sleep a lot, I have trouble concentrating, I need to distract myself often, the fact of doing something that I may find completely useless will despair me to the highest point, outside I felt this for most of the trades.

That may be a little apart from most schizo, but not having time to try to realize some of my projects if I had to work would make me suffer to a crazy point.

Even without a being a burden for my family, I felt guilty for being a burden for society, so I blamed myself for not liking to work because I would have to work so as not to be a burden for all, yet at the same time I felt that most of the trades were useless or sometimes harmful, I was torn because of this between the obligation to work to do well and not to do the jobs that I consider harmful.

Une voiture anglaise des années 70 sur un parking d'un plage normande entre les falaises
Wealth: I saw the wealth I could have as corruption, as a bad thing, because the actions that would have allowed me to be rich are not in the general interest, are not good actions for people , and then it's selfish to be rich 🙁

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