Derealization? – Fear of going crazy and feeling like everything is absurd?

Photo en contre jour d'une personne qui monte un escalier en pierre en pente douce entre les montagnes
Alone in my destiny and my head, I felt like the rest of the world was fake, that I was the only one there?

It seems to me that the name of this symptom is "derealization", but I'm not sure.

During those moments that come when I've experienced too much stress for too long or I don't have treatment, I feel that everything is absurd and that I'm afraid of going crazy if the intensity of this feeling of absurdity is too great.

Definition of derealization:

Derealization (DR is sometimes used) is a state of consciousness or an alteration in the perception or experience of reality that appears to be dissociated or external to oneself. Depending on the case, notions of existence or reality, usually rooted in personality, may be questioned. Derealization is in a way the concrete experimentation of a metaphysical doubt. It is not a disease per se. Otherwise, it may be a dissociative symptom that can be experienced during periods of intense and prolonged stress. Some "meditation" practices can also cause derealization. (Wikipedia)

Indeed, I was often afraid at these times, and it still happens to me sometimes that the world is not real as in the Matrix movie or that others do not have a soul, so I would be alone on earth to really live. So this can be taken for a questioning of the reality described on Wikipedia.

Un dessin au crayon à papier représentant une gare et le chemin de fer à côté dans le far west
In westerns, everyone is wild and mean for free, during those worrying times I saw the world that way.

When I was going through periods of great stress because of the fluctuations of my illness…

… I had the impression that everything was hard to live, there was a metallic tone and no warmth, humanity in everything around me and in the relationships with others, just hidden aggressiveness…

… by dint of several days in this state of mind everything became absurd and at worst I had an intense fear of going crazy. There was no benevolence in the eyes of others that I felt, just an aggressive judgment towards me to say that I should not be like that, that I think like that, that I suffer like this. And not the idea: "thin then it's hard this suffering, but it's not my fault".

I had the idea that if I was going badly and I feared that it would get worse, I was the culprit, I would have to twist in my brain the ideas responsible for it so that I could get better, I did not see myself as a victim but as a culprit at those times. It could be by dint of putting pressure on me after a large workload, that I ended up feeling this. There were only aggressive sensations from the outside, from the world, by dint of accumulation of its aggressive sensations, I think we have the impression that the world is absurd. When I didn't have treatment, it was constantly and very, very intensely that I felt that way, it was horrible. Now that I'm back under solian in low doses it happens to me a little but it remains light.

To feel this absurdity felt in schizophrenia, think of the movie Mother or watch it (if you've never seen it). Everything is deeply disconcerting, absurd, disturbing, after two hours of this film we are frankly out of whack. I had seen it with a friend, and I had thought about myself, this is what I feel because of my schizophrenia, my friend took a few hours to get back to the absurd side of this film, at that moment I was doing quite well and in ten minutes after the release, it was already getting better:(

During these periods I created ephemeral beliefs that would be solutions to my future without a way out.

In the moments when I was going very badly and sometimes now when I have too much stress, when I fear that my psyche will get worse, that I will become crazy worried for life, that I will end up in a psychiatric hospital, lost in a deep despair and a deep worry about the future that revives me every second, I still create very ephemeral little beliefs in my mind, which say that if I think like this and I continue to think like this, it will scare away my obsessions, my worries and it will save me.

Unfortunately these beliefs of being able to be saved are immediately taken into default because I immediately realize that it is foolish, which worries me intensely.

Here is one of my recent writings on the subject: "I understand that it is what I imagine of the judgment of others on me that creates derealization in me, that creates this guilt. So the moment I feel that this derealization is coming, I say to myself "I should not be afraid of the eyes of others because on the one hand it is frowned upon to be afraid of the eyes of others and on the other hand this is what in the end will give me the impression that everything is absurd, so I should stop feeling that the gaze of others as incisive." and I feel guilty for not being able to do it and staying worried."

But in the end, to do this is only to impose a nasty and aggressive judgment on me: "I must make an effort to save myself, otherwise I am cooked and it is justified", so it is a harsh and violent world constantly that I feel, with the idea that I am the culprit. These beliefs that are created were therefore themselves violent against me, I was suddenly a little defensive. a bit like in a machination.

chemin en Corse dans la verdure un peu sèche donnant sur la mer
Illustration to embellish the site.

I realize these weird ideas right now, which worries me if I'm in this mode where I feel guilty, usually I don't understand what's going on in my head at this level and these ideas get out of my mind, which is pretty much better. At the limit we should not stimulate patients to realize these ideas and understand them, because if they are trained to understand them, to highlight them in their minds, without forgetting the idea they have just had, it risks creating a vicious circle, they will make knots, and worries, if they are in this mode of guilt where they have to save themselves. This may be what happens in borderline patients in psychoanalysis where the disease can worsen or in hypnosis for schizophrenics.

This feeling that it's not okay, this fear of going crazy, it's also the feeling that if a thought doesn't go into my mind, I'm like balancing on a thread, and then I'm going to fall into the endless worry that leads to disasters.

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