Being intensely afraid that my life will be missed and death

maison de Guillaume le Conquérant en Normandie
The house of William the Conqueror. Was William the Conqueror megalomaniac?
I had the idea that if I didn't do a really huge project, if I didn't leave a trace on earth, my life was :), it created a dread to tell me that I would be an average guy who was born, then died, and that no one remembers. My life would be a failure.

I wanted to leave a very important trace on earth! Make projects that would mark the time!

The sight of people living their normal lives working a lot, hard, dying without a trace on earth created a scare in my mind.

I had this impression for a long time, it is following the continuous intake of a lot of vitamins, omega 3 that have an effect (light but real) in schizophrenia and the transition to solian rather than abilify (two antipsychotics) that this impression that despaired me has decreased a lot (I do not know what caused this improvement among all these changes).

dessin abstrait: un foetus sur le coté sous un arbre avec un totem oiseau en eau, et une fontaine homme totem à droite
This drawing I made in middle school reminds me a bit of death, yet it is beautiful!

So I was terribly afraid of death, of the idea that it is nothingness. As the brain and the electrical conductions of neurons stop after death, and since it is these electrical conductions that make the reasoning and the feelings and impressions that we experience, inevitably there was nothingness afterwards. It was a fear that improved after the treatment I received began. And then I said to myself something that both reassures and bothers me: we have a soul, but this is not explained by physical phenomena calculated mathematically (at least for me the physical world with mathematical consequences can not create emotions, that's what I feel), but the seat of our soul is the brain that is in the physical world and so maybe there is something really after death.

photos de pigeons dans un square
I was afraid of being a pigeon like everyone else, to be born, to live, to die, nothing more.

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