Having an unbearable secret, guilt, the impression of rape of the mind

photo d'un patio en Espagne avec une fontaine au milieu
My secret garden should have been shared in my impression, as others managed to do? Laughing with friends or having fantasies were all embarrassing things to tell my family, which apparently I should have shared.

I kept a secret during adolescence: I had done a sexual thing in a situation that should not be done around my 13 years, basically it did not go very far, but it bothered me. At that time, I had such an intense libido, it was untenable, I did not masturbate because the gesture had not occurred to me, and because I found it obscene. As a result, my libido was pounding with an erection and fantasies absolutely all day. Generally facing girls I was very intimidated, but with this girl with whom I went on vacation, whom I had known for a long time, I was more comfortable, that's what pushed me to do some things a little sexual with her. I felt guilty about everything a lot, but as my libido was crazy, and as a teenager we have more trouble controlling ourselves than adult and I was quite comfortable with this girl, I still insisted to her that we do sexual stuff, even if deep down it did not go very far and that this one seemed consenting at first. When she was no longer consenting, I continued to be verbally insistent, so intense was the urge, then I stopped being verbally insistent, but it did not go any further and I did not physically force anything and nothing more happened. I believe that this kind of anecdote sometimes happens in teenagers, especially those who have a big libido and do not masturbate thus preventing the libido from dropping.

I tell this to tell the guilt in me that followed and almost a feeling of rape of the spirit that I experienced in the face of it, although I was the culprit of these acts.

I felt extremely intensely guilty, knowing that the girl I had done this to was a little depressed afterwards, I was afraid that I had destroyed her psychically forever on the one hand, and on the other hand, I felt bad about my parents. I still don't understand why I felt bad about my parents but I felt compelled to go to this girl at the same time to say my apologies, when in reality I was so intensely ashamed of it that it was very difficult for me to talk to her about it, and at the same time I told myself that I had to confess this to my parents to be somehow relieved of this weight, this unspeakable secret, to keep this secret, however this feeling of obligation to tell this to my parents, I felt it as a rape of the mind because it would have bothered me terribly to do it. This impression was going on all the time and I felt that as long as I had not apologized to this girl and my parents, this secret should totally destroy me for the rest of my life.

The solution to have a clear conscience was to confess the sexual thing to my parents… but it was not a solution, because it would have bothered me deeply, yet I continued to tell myself that I should have done it.

I told her about this again 6 years later apologizing, I was still without treatment, it seems to me that she told me that I was worried too much, I wondered if she took me for a madman given the way I talked to her.

I would like to talk to her about this again, even if it frankly still bothers me a lot, just to make sure that she did not experience it too badly since at the time even if I had insisted, I felt guilty afterwards. And of course apologize to him and explain to him the intense guilt I experienced in the face of having insisted on having the impression of having done something serious.

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