I felt in conversations that if people knew I was in a group (e.g. homosexuals, homophobes, racists, anti-racists, intolerants, believers, non-believers, those who love the president, those who don't like him etc.) then they will judge me: "What do you think that, it's not possible to think that! you can't really think that" because they wouldn't find it unthinkable to be like that, so I felt feverish and hesitant. In these situations I didn't know where to put myself. I give you the example in a conversation about homosexuality, if I specified that I am not homosexual to reassure people who might think so, then I felt obliged to specify right after that I am not homophobic because I would imagine that they would think that I am homophobic, it's shocking to be homophobic.
For me they saw me in a group of people to banish, who basically don't really deserve to be considered their equal, that it was really shocking to be like that, that I had to justify myself.
With the caregivers I sometimes have the same feeling that they look at me as if I am not their equal from the moment I tell them that I am schizophrenic. Is it a total impression, a partial impression or a reality? I don't know.
This impression could perhaps have gone away by increasing my neuroleptic treatment, but I did not want to increase it since it is not good for health certainly.
So following documentary research on medical publications on schizophrenia, I asked one of my doctors for Bactrim (an antibiotic that can be taken in the long term) because I saw that it could be due to an infection, and it is after taking this antibiotic continuously that this kind of symptoms has decreased a lot in me.
Knowing that Bactrim fights against toxoplasmosis present in me and in 70% of people with schizophrenia, while only 50% of people without schizophrenia have it and that this parasite is suspected of playing a role in schizophrenia, I wonder if it is not toxoplasmosis that created these symptoms in me.
I wonder if these symptoms (justifying themselves all the time by apologizing, being very timid etc.), are related to toxoplasmosis also in other people.
If I had been asked why I justified myself for not being homosexual and then not being homophobic, I would have been afraid of passing for someone who is afraid of being frowned upon, who justifies himself all the time, so I would have tried to hide that I was justifying myself because I was afraid of being bad. I was able to twist my ideas, pretend I didn't have certain ideas, deny them to myself, I felt like people were judging me on stuff, when in fact I wasn't. I felt, convinced that I was being judged on the fact that I had certain ideas that in reality I had not had either, but I still felt guilty. I have a hard time remembering and explaining that well.
Timoré I was afraid to say what I thought for fear of hurting the person and making a serious conflict, of being frowned upon. So, it really annoyed me to get out of a conversation by crushing myself, when I had deep down ideas that could be interesting.
It helped me a lot and it freed me from not having that anymore because it was very painful to always go in the direction of people for fear of embarrassing or getting angry, while I thought differently.
I believe these symptoms are those of dependent personality disorder.
And it was very difficult for me to say no when someone asked me for help, even if part of this problem comes from the fact that I worry about the difficulties of others, which is still the case today and so much the better.