Existential questions created a fear in me, and I felt guilty for having them, told me normal people don't have these disturbing ideas, I felt that it was my fault that I suffered from these ideas that I should not have. For example, to say that life has no purpose, no meaning. And to think that it's not normal that I can't feel that my life has a meaning. That it was serious to feel that way.
In fact I think that the way I describe it there is poorly explained, I had the impression of being sickly mentally serious to dare to think that life had no purpose, no meaning, and at every moment then I tried to find a goal, a meaning to reassure myself. Except that everywhere around me I saw a future filled with psychic suffering and anguish (all the contacts with people created anxiety in me, any effort to do a job created anxiety, I could only very hardly work like this and I would risk ending up a tramp and dying like this, I would be ashamed to be a burden to my parents if they talked to me and if they ever saw that I was sick not being able to work, I would have been embarrassed that they also knew that I was crazy), so I could not understand how people could do to have a purpose in life, it made me suffer terribly to see that I couldn't do it and that I would have to live the rest of my life in absurdity.
I had existential questions like:
- "Why am I living the life of a human rather than that of an ant, when ants are much more numerous on earth? but yes, why then?"
- or "why does the universe exist and not nothing instead? indeed if I look for a reason for everything, we can not find a reason why the universe exists, so is all this, the universe, the world only in my head?"
- or "How can we feel things when the current time in which we live is infinite end compared to past or future time?"
In fact, behind the intense existential questions there is, I think, often the impression of the person to think that it is not normal to have them, that it is frowned upon to have them, and to feel guilty about it, that these questions actually reveal concerns that I have trouble explaining!