A synthesis of all these symptoms

As I have said elsewhere, people with psychiatric disorders only have an exacerbation of normal brain phenomena. And I think it’s the same in schizophrenia but very extreme often.

Here are the main features of my reasoning that explain these symptoms I had.

Rorschache test! it seems difficult to explain the ideas of schizophrenic patients and yet.

The fear that there is something persecuting me.

Fear of being persecuted is a normal phenomenon. Indeed people in a dangerous situation, for example when someone has just been attacked in the street in front of us, tend to worry about everything at once, to make scenarios. The delusion of persecution is I think this activation of this situation of danger. In this situation, the brain creates disturbing scenarios, which feel almost real. Like for example that the police will harass us. This will cause one to feel in a situation of danger which will cause scenarios of persecution etc. etc .

Stuck on certain ideas thinking they are very important.

For example during what I called a serotoninergic peak I tend to think that an idea is very important. It’s the same with megalomaniac ideas, where I think you absolutely have to achieve something because it’s very important. Ditto with the disorder ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (in french). Indeed in this disorder, our attention is captured by the slightest event because we believe that it really matters. There is a good video of a psychiatrist explaining a supposed ADHD mechanism on youtube (in french).

Also being very worried combined with feeling guilty and being afraid of hurting others.

I think it was these two fears combined that led me to have impulse phobias. These are scenarios where I imagined myself hurting others or hurting myself. Like throwing myself under a train. In truth I was afraid that I would end up doing it one day, but I didn’t want to do it. I would never have done that.

The fear of being frowned upon often led me to tell myself that my ideas were completely stupid.

I often felt that: to make concepts, ideas on things, then to end up thinking that it is really stupid to have thought that. In reality, this is also a symptom: it is due to being afraid of the judgment of others.

Fear of being frowned upon (susceptibility) and fear of being persecuted

Sometimes I fear that someone will think I’m crazy and ignore me because of that, it bothers me. Especially if I imagine that person will pass on the message that I am crazy to other people. This kind of scenario has already taken my mind a little too much, even if it was bearable since I was on treatment. But when you think about it, it’s the combination of the fear of being frowned upon and the fear of being persecuted (imagining that the word that I’m crazy is passed on to others) that causes this.

Thoughts all over the place, really all over the place. That's how I feel.

For the autistic symptoms that I have experienced, there is the fear of feeling badly seen. There is also the lack of feeling complicity and understanding others in their actions.

When I didn’t understand the jokes it was often because of a lack of complicity. I did not understand that the person teased me in many cases. I was also afraid of appearing unpopular. I was afraid to pass for the idiot misunderstanding the jokes, rather than getting into the game.

Jean Bernard Fourtillan’s hypothesis explains that schizophrenia is due to an excess of arousal hormone.

I quite agree, because all the phenomena that are exacerbated during awakening are extremely exacerbated during my schizophrenia. For example, often when we sleep, we are not too suspicious, not worried, rested, on the other hand as soon as we are awake we are more alert. Schizophrenia, we are downright too crazy on alert. Similarly, we are too afraid of the gaze of others, whereas in dreams, we don’t give a damn about the gaze of others. We get stuck on certain ideas… whereas in dreams even if we forget something, just afterwards, we don’t even realize that we forgot it. In schizophrenia, one is afraid of hurting others, usually in dreams one forgets the guilt. etc etc.
So yes for me Fourtillan’s hypothesis is not stupid at all. You can see him in his youtube videos.

Apparently some patients have anosognosia related to a lesion in the brain.

Here is an article explaining this (in french). And here is my article on it. Anosognosia is the fact of not being aware of one’s disorder and not at all questioning one’s psychotic intuitions. This anosognosia would be very real in some people. I did not know it and learned it recently while documenting myself. And indeed some schizophrenic patients talk about their ideas as if they were necessarily real. Having this idea is proof that it is true. I think it’s possible that it’s due to a circuit that is activated differently depending on the person concerned. Indeed, some schizophrenics have an excess of interest in absolutely everything (like me), others are sorely lacking in interest, making their life very painful. Similarly with anosognosia, certain circuits can be very deactivated. The awareness that the psychotic idea does not hold water well is not there. They don’t succeed in  prohibiting this idea as one can when one realizes that it is stupid.

Fear of looking weird, crazy, serious

Sounding weird in conversations is in my opinion, due to the intense fear of sounding weird, crazy. So I was, without treatment, so scared at every moment that I was talking about saying something shocking or serious without doing it on purpose, that my attitude and my blockages made me weird. I could look to others for approval. But when I looked at them, I felt judged and I was afraid, really afraid, of being judged as someone serious. I was paralyzed and worried all over.

Feeling unpopular, stressed in the background

I believe that my somewhat constant discomfort is due to this. Feeling badly seen and stressed, but in the background, without really understanding what is happening to me.

I find this article interesting because you can see that with just a few concepts, I can explain a good part of the symptoms of schizophrenia. That’s cool!

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