Intense depreciation

escargots derrière une vitre dans un aquarium
Do snails feel dumb?

Realizing that I had these not normal ideas in mind was proof for me, that I was someone deeply serious and not normal and that I did not deserve to be equal to others, that my ideas sucked, that I sucked.

I didn't have confidence in myself, so if someone thought I was normal or that I had certain abilities, I was afraid that he would value me and that suddenly I would disappoint him if he learned that in reality I am not normal, null or that I do not have these abilities suddenly, I made it clear that I was null and not normal for fear that the person would realize it for himself, to avoid disappointing him. I thought I should have been someone who trusted himself…

… because it sucks not to have confidence in itself, but I found it unthinkable that one day I really have confidence in myself. I imagined that if I told my thoughts, I would be ashamed of them, so much so that if I had been forced in some way to tell them, I could not and I would have blushed. I felt that I was not allowed to assert my ideas because it was silly and null what I could say or think. At the same time I had the intense desire to make megalo projects and assert my ideas, but I could not do it blocked by this feeling, it was frustrating and despairing, but I had the hope that one day it would get better, that I would find the solution, at the very bottom of a very deep malaise and continuous anxieties.

I was also afraid to broach the subject of depression, because I had heard the story of this great depressive aunt who missed her life, this kind of story particularly scared me and that's why I tried to imagine that I was not depressed, not schizophrenic, the idea of being mentally tortured for life by my illness created me dread so I twisted reality a little to tell myself that depression was not my symptoms (which sometimes was during periods of crisis).

Le côté tortueux de la sagrada familia
The hidden, ugly side of the sagrada familia, a basilica in Barcelona!

fear of being exposed

Any circumstances where I felt that my mental illness might be exposed in some conversation (and it happened very often that I feared this), I had a deep shame,

… for example, every time in a conversation we talked about schizophrenia (because I understood that there was a chance that I was schizophrenic), I felt targeted and afraid of being exposed, that I was on the point. My heart was beating fast, I felt trapped, because I imagined that a person in the conversation was going to ask me a question that would put me in default, and that would reveal a secret about my unhealthy thoughts or showing that I was sick, and that I could not answer, stunned by shame. Because I was intimately convinced that it was going to happen, it bothered me crazy, these impressions, I knew they were abnormal, but I had no way to prevent them, I told myself that they were proof that I was sick, and it was a reason intimately, in my feelings, to be even more ashamed of myself, it was a vicious circle.

Kind of like it's extremely serious, extremely shocking, extremely not normal for someone to have these ideas.

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