Realizing that I had these not normal ideas in mind was proof for me, that I was someone deeply serious and not normal and that I did not deserve to be equal to others, that my ideas sucked, that I sucked.
… because it sucks not to have confidence in itself, but I found it unthinkable that one day I really have confidence in myself. I imagined that if I told my thoughts, I would be ashamed of them, so much so that if I had been forced in some way to tell them, I could not and I would have blushed. I felt that I was not allowed to assert my ideas because it was silly and null what I could say or think. At the same time I had the intense desire to make megalo projects and assert my ideas, but I could not do it blocked by this feeling, it was frustrating and despairing, but I had the hope that one day it would get better, that I would find the solution, at the very bottom of a very deep malaise and continuous anxieties.
I was also afraid to broach the subject of depression, because I had heard the story of this great depressive aunt who missed her life, this kind of story particularly scared me and that's why I tried to imagine that I was not depressed, not schizophrenic, the idea of being mentally tortured for life by my illness created me dread so I twisted reality a little to tell myself that depression was not my symptoms (which sometimes was during periods of crisis).
fear of being exposed
… for example, every time in a conversation we talked about schizophrenia (because I understood that there was a chance that I was schizophrenic), I felt targeted and afraid of being exposed, that I was on the point. My heart was beating fast, I felt trapped, because I imagined that a person in the conversation was going to ask me a question that would put me in default, and that would reveal a secret about my unhealthy thoughts or showing that I was sick, and that I could not answer, stunned by shame. Because I was intimately convinced that it was going to happen, it bothered me crazy, these impressions, I knew they were abnormal, but I had no way to prevent them, I told myself that they were proof that I was sick, and it was a reason intimately, in my feelings, to be even more ashamed of myself, it was a vicious circle.
Kind of like it's extremely serious, extremely shocking, extremely not normal for someone to have these ideas.