Archives: Symptoms

Until very recently death and the idea of committing suicide scared me extremely, I would never have committed suicide, I was especially afraid that thinking about suicide would eventually lead me there.

I thought that people who tried to commit suicide or did, saw death as an escape, but I had never felt that way, until recently.

… very painful and which has no reason to stop until the end of life, death would be in this case a soothing thing finally. I just felt that, which already worried me a little, and forced me to take a few days off, I didn't go so far as to want to commit suicide, far from it, but I tell myself that it starts like this.

You have to know for those who read us that if you really consider suicide, you have to talk about it, to those around you, to the doctor, of course trying to avoid making them feel guilty, but by alerting them, and showing that you would like to be helped in this situation, that you would like to be brought a solution, friends will then be able to find solutions, whatever they may be.

I believe that there are several steps leading to suicide (this is what I had learned in medicine), I can say something stupid, but I believe that these are the following:

• First of all, we feel death as a possible relief to our situation.
• Subsequently, death is considered from time to time but not seriously.
• Subsequently, it is seriously considered frequently.
• We are planning a suicide.
• We take action.

You should know that you should talk about it as soon as you get too close to the last step. There are people who make many attempts, a bit like an alert message, so you have to help them at this time. Some are really planning their death.

Also for caregivers who do 24-hour guards (this practice of guards so long is just an incitement to suicides, road accidents when the caregivers return home, and medical errors on the part of the state). It can happen that one commits suicide of relief following such a guard. It is therefore necessary to strive overall not to be too much in the idea of suicide … by forcing oneself to take a minimum rest, to prevent such a thing from happening after a long guard. It happened to several friends of friends of mine.

My psychiatrist had noted that I had this symptom in the consultation report, I know it because my previous psychiatrist had read me this report, it must be admitted that this term of "morbid rationalism" had hurt me, because I was afraid of passing for a madman.

… and to show that I knew that my behavior was not necessarily normal but that I was aware of it and therefore that it was not that bad in the end since I was aware of it (because I feared that I would be judged negatively like crazy to do weird things, without being aware of it). I was trying to understand in which case the behaviors are normal or not, to reassure me a little, because deep down I questioned myself, I strongly felt that my ideas or my questioning were in quotation marks illegal, stupid, abnormal. That I am frowned upon. And that's what, at that moment, pushed me to have this strange answer explaining why I had this reaction before, this answer having passed for a morbid rationalism with my psychiatrist.

I give an example that isn't really one of those weird ideas pushing me to act weird that I had, but it could have been:

I remember that during a small conversation with a girl waiting in line at a supermarket, I asked this girl, where she worked in this small village, she then diverted the conversation not wanting to answer me (I often talk for a few seconds to strangers talking about the time or the shopping we are doing, in the queue or in many situations, I like to chat, people in general answer me and seem to appreciate).

I foolishly imagined that she didn't want me to know her place of work either because she was doing prostitution at home, or because she didn't want to give too personal information allowing her to find her when she had just met me… So far this kind of idea makes sense, although I imagine it is unlikely that she will prostitute herself.

But a weird idea followed by a weird behavior in me could have been this: I could have had the strong intuition that she was indeed a prostitute and that's why she didn't want to tell me where she works (what could happen when I was going badly and I had weird ideas), I would have put this idea in mind, acting according to this principle for the rest of the conversation. So, for example, if the friend I was with during this wait at the tail had told me: "by the way the girls who prostitute themselves on the side of the road in Perpignan behave badly like all the prostitutes in the area that I have seen", I would have been led to think that it could have hurt the girl who queues with us with us who I discussed, because precisely she prostitutes herself (it's hard to explain but in these situations, although I know that it is not sure that she prostitutes herself, I tended to think and therefore act as if my belief about her prostitution was true, in case it is true) so I could have answered outraged a sentence like: "Finally! we must not speak ill of the prostitutes around, it is wrong to say that, prostitutes can be good girls". to reassure the girl in the queue that I would have thought she was a prostitute… So, following an idea that I have, a particular interpretation of what I saw, I will have a sentence a little offbeat of which we will not necessarily understand why I said this in this tone. And I think it's often this kind of idea, intuition that sometimes pushed me to say stuff beside the point, but I had a real reason to say it.

I would have done that too because I felt it was silly to think that.

Also, I would have given another reason than the real reason for my reaction, because I would have considered the reason as obvious (here it was obvious to me that she was certainly a prostitute, so somewhere it was useless to say it), and also because at these times the mind is invaded by ideas and it is difficult to see clearly.

I think I had and still have a bit of ADHD (attention deficit disorder, hyperactivity), that I had it a lot before.

I take a simple example, before if I had to do my homework or now in a period where I am distracted if I have to work for a long time, or do a mandatory task, I will force myself to do it, and psychically I will feel obliged non-stop to do it, to never stop, and like the interest of doing homework, to do the housework, to work for a long time gives a reward that seems to me no more interesting than that and that will happen in a long time, so I saturate and I do not feel the interest in doing this task. And since my mind tends to always stay in the same context, I create an obsession with having to succeed in my task, an obsession that is painful (I explain this tendency to stay focused on the same thing in this chapter:My brain remains activated in the background on what I have seen or done for a very long time after stopping this task.

That's when the urge to take your phone to watch a video or go on Facebook, or play the computer will take me and will be intense, and there, the reward is much faster and allows me to escape much more, on Youtube and Facebook, there are fun and surprising things that make me think of something other than this obligation to work and video games give me an impression of intense victory when I win who it really attracts me and for some games, they allow me to explore a world, which is distracting too. So I waste my time on nonsense, and I can really have a lot of trouble concentrating.

I remember that when I was being cheered up, I felt deeply humiliated, as if I was an idiot for doing this, as if we were taking the psychological advantage and feeling superior to less by lecturing me, I was embarrassed and humiliated at those times, it annoyed me to be done this, it was unfair, but since I'm nice I didn't respond badly, but the anger was there.

I believe that this child with ADHD who responded badly felt this way, when I explained to him that I scolded him first to explain why not do this before wanting to humiliate him, and that indeed it is good to explain in a neutral tone rather than condescending instead of scolding, and that indeed no one should humiliate others, and that I too felt humiliation when I was scolded, I think then that he understood it a little, and it has improved the situation it seems to me.

Sexuality was something really disturbing, even though my sexual fantasies were super intense. I dreaded approaching the girls, and I felt guilty about it as if I had to force myself to approach them when deep down I was really stunned by their presence and their judgment that I imagined on me.

Afterwards, anyway I would have been uncomfortable in the presence of a girl, but I felt guilty for not approaching the girls anyway, that it was the big dummies, the poor guys who did not have a girlfriend, except at 19 years old and for a few months, otherwise I did not have girlfriends, and I felt it as a serious shame, a weight. It was something that I felt for a very long time, long after the beginning of my treatment, having seen this in other boys, I think it's quite widespread, even if it's less intense than it was in my home.

These impulse phobias happened to me especially after my big seizure (following the taking of a firecracker) which led me to have a treatment that I had actually needed for a long time. These impulse obsessions or impulse phobias lasted for several months, and were really heavy to live with. I was afraid that they would never stop, I could not see how they could stop because they were so intense, and I was afraid that by dint of having them I would end up taking action and / or become crazy with worry, that I would end up in asylum, I couldn't see, I couldn't conceive of them being able to leave. I suspected that the treatment I was taking should help, but my intuition made me fear that it would never stop every time one of these impulse phobias crossed my mind.

A week after taking this very concentrated firecracker in cannabis, I was no longer sleeping, and I ended up having an intense anxiety attack, my father took me to the hospital, I was afraid of ending my life in a psychiatric hospital because I was not sure that there was a suitable treatment for me, I wasn't sure if I had schizophrenia (which I knew was curable) but I feared I had an even more serious illness than can be cured. Fortunately, I was quite schizophrenic (quite an amazing sentence if you take it out of context), there was a treatment for me.

In fact I explain to you what I remember about what was going on in my mind:

I was afraid, extremely afraid that such a thing would happen, as I knew that I was crazy, that I could not control my thinking on many subjects and worries, I told myself that logically I would never be able to control these fears of attacking others or killing them, my mind, when these fears came to my mind, made me visualize such a scenario. I told myself then that these flashes, these visualizations of these horrible scenes, as I did not control them, as I could not think of anything else, would never stop and that one day necessarily, I would risk doing this. And so I tried not to think about it to reassure myself that I could think of something else, but the next second I had a phobia of impulse and I dreaded again this and these scenes, these flashes came back to my mind and so on, seeing that I couldn't think of anything else, I panicked that I would one day end up doing this.

I didn't want these ideas, I was aware that I shouldn't have these ideas, but they still came into me.

If you have these fears too intensely, I invite you to take a stronger treatment, I should have explained this to my psychiatrist, he would have given me Tranxene or other, it would surely have relieved me!

It seems to me that having impulse phobias in no way creates a risk of taking action.

For me, now, I think there was surely no chance that I would hurt others even if these impulse phobias had lasted for several years (if you ever suffer from schizophrenia and really think you could do harm, talk to your psychiatrist who will give you treatment, it seems to me that impulse phobias never lead to doing the dreaded act, but I am not totally sure of that, I let you see with your psychiatrist if for you there is really a doubt). In my mind the fear of doing harm was intense, these ideas that I had, I told myself that they were serious if others saw them and this is also what worried me when I saw that I could not contain these ideas. I totally forbade myself from hurting others and now I think that for me there was no chance that I would hurt others.

A little in the continuity of that, for many years, I feared that I would be thought to be really dangerous if I told that I had impulse phobias, I guess today that if you tell your ideas of impulse phobias clearly, that you are afraid of doing harm at these times and that's why you think about it, but that in reality we will surely never do it, that then most people will understand that we are not dangerous but just obsessed with this worry.

Fear of being frowned upon by doctors because of symptoms

So if I told this to my doctor or my psychiatrist, I would then leave the office with a certain discomfort, the fear of being seen as dangerous for some 30 minutes, I told myself then that I had to stop thinking that my doctor thinks that, because it was in practice surely not the case, but that didn't stop me from worrying that he was worried that I was dangerous. When I was hospitalized, just to make the diagnosis of my disease and to adapt my treatment when I was doing it quite well, I ended up not supporting the look of the caregivers who, I had the impression judged me on my ideas, my behavior, as if at every moment they made a silly idea about me. I went home after a week and I was very happy because it was more tenable, it bothered me to think that the caregivers, when I was hospitalized thought that I had had impulse phobias or had some silly stereotypes about me, and that I could not fight against these silly and reductive stereotypes that they had on me, at the risk of getting upset and looking like a dangerous madman, making these stereotypes worse. There can be in some departments a real contempt for patients, when this is the case, it is unacceptable, for my case, I think it was too much concern on my part that caused especially this unpleasant feeling (even if I am a little ashamed to admit it). And I was like, "Luckily I can come home, I would have gone crazy to stay there!" creating a fear of being hospitalized, fortunately for me, never before necessary.

I didn't like to be badly perceived, which is why, sometimes when my former psychiatrist talked to me about certain subjects, I made a little head, like I did not appreciate that I could be considered sick in this way, it is the others who are sick in this way, not me, it was disturbing to be seen like this.

I will take you an example, my former psychiatrist told me about a patient who had strange ideas: Having had a homosexual son, she had as a result of this announcement a painful gynecological problem, I believe she had continuous periods, she then had the impression, the intuition that this gynecological pathology was a consequence, a divine punishment for having had a homosexual child.

My psychiatrist had told me this, I had understood it a little but not really, to draw the parallel between the strange idea that this woman had and the fact that I too could have strange ideas, make supernatural connections between events, in order to open the conversation. Only, I felt that feeling having a homosexual son as a punishment is wrong, because it is intolerant towards homosexuals to think that, which is why when my psychiatrist told me this, rather than saying: yes I also have weird ideas, I had the reaction of wanting not to look like this lady who seemed intolerant to me, for fear of being rejected for being like this and I said something like, "it's not very good to be intolerant (here I was talking about homophobia towards your son), fortunately I'm not like that".

When a psychiatrist I saw at the very beginning of my treatment saw me and asked me the question "do you have any friends?" with a look that made me feel the following message: "ah yes, I see that you have no friend, admit it, it is a sign of schizophrenia", I experienced it badly, as a humiliation, as the fact that I am not worthy of being a human, that this kind of problem I had should make me consider by others as if I were not equal to them, that my thinking was abnormal and that I should not be taken seriously, since a delusional person has only false and somewhat ridiculous opinions, who are borderline funny, and that it's the not good guys who don't have friends,… that was how I felt about it.

You just have to know that it's not our fault to have symptoms,

For doctors, I also saw, fortunately rarely, doctors or caregivers who despised people with psychiatric problems.

The fear that people think that I, who had impulse phobias, really wanted to kill people would have chased me if I had never had treatments.

Humans are good in general, schizophrenics too!

In the same way that there is this mechanism in the brain of almost everyone that makes us terribly afraid to hurt others if we start thinking about it, and that in the end, makes that we do not hurt people in general, this mechanism is always present in schizophrenic patients or even amplified, at least at home it was, it was amplified, I dreaded hurting others, and that's precisely why I had impulse phobias, and not because I really wanted to hurt them.

Even if the paranoia of schizophrenic patients can cause them to hurt people they think could threaten them, harass them, control them, spread rumors about them, the restrained is always present, on the one hand because they may realize that their paranoid ideas although invading their minds is not really founded (I believe that not all schizophrenics understand that their ideas are unfounded in the but I'm not sure about that), but also because hurting people is serious, even if you're schizophrenic.

People with schizophrenia often have symptoms that bring them closer to autism, and indeed I find myself in the description of asperger's autism on wikipedia: Autism Asperger

I felt like people were violently mocking each other and that it was the norm to be accepted by society, yet I felt that it wasn't the case either, and that it was more my brain that was bothering to think that, but I felt it frankly in periods.

I could get this feeling that I was being mocked badly and that if I try to explain why when people joke about me, it's not justified, then I'll pass for a quilt. Which is surely a little true because often if I was sent spades it was to joke, to tease but not to be mean, being a little autistic, I did not understand well, I felt that what I felt was wrong.

I also had a little peculiar behaviors such as blocking myself on objects, manipulating them long, obsessively, to reassure me, or in exploration video games, I used to look at the details, the small objects that I found very well done, and I wasted a hell of time on it compared to the normal player.

My voice was monotonous, without intonation, although I really felt like I was putting intonations, if I listened to a recording of my voice, no there was no intonation! 🙁

As described on the comics of the wikipedia page: Autism AspergerI did a lot of big blunders when talking to others.

It started a lot following the introduction of bactrim, I think that bactrim really helped because following bactrim I went from 7.5mg of abilify to 5mg, while many things improved, and it had been years that I was at 7.5mg of abilify. I don't know if it would work for others but it's an important track to try.

(Bactrim is an antibiotic that can be taken long-term, which fights against a brain parasite: toxoplasmosis present in me and in 70% of people with schizophrenia, while only 50% of people without schizophrenia have it. This parasite is suspected of playing a role in schizophrenia)

I'm going to describe a symptom that I didn't find on the internet, I'm not sure of its name, but a psychiatrist friend told me it was called serotonin peak if I understood correctly.

Here is the example of one of these ideas that I had: in my city there is a place where there is a wide sidewalk and above this sidewalk there is a sign that says that you should not put a trash can in it.

As I wondered why there was this sign here, when it seemed strange to me, because there did not seem to be any interest since in this place no one had any reason to put garbage cans, I imagined something to explain why there was this panel. As at that time I was thinking about nuclear missiles hidden underground, I said to myself, if it is, the French state hid a nuclear missile under this sidewalk, in town to keep it discreet, and to avoid a problem during the launch of the missile they put a sign to prohibit the installation of garbage cans on the opening of the roof of the missile compartment. Idea a little crazy, but this idea invaded my mind, and I kept thinking about it, on the one hand it stimulated me to believe in it, but as I felt that this idea was crazy, I told myself that if I told it I would be judged by thinking that I am crazy, it bothered me. At the same time I continued to think that there was not so much reason to hide a nuclear missile in the city in this place, but also I wanted to believe in it imagining other scenarios more crazy and stimulating. And to imagine that I was contradicted, that I was considered stupid and ridiculous to think it robbed me and forced me to want to ask myself if this idea was true or not, and somewhere to believe it. Imagining people judging me on this idea was as if I was being looked at while doing my morale, that I had to stop thinking that, that it's ridiculous to think that, it gave me the impression that people judging me on this idea would have taken the psychological ascendancy if I had confessed that it was stupid, and that's why I wanted to believe that there was this nuclear missile under this sidewalk. When we tend to imagine that we are going to be questioned all the time, we can't have a neutral point of view.

It was also an intuition, and as sometimes my intuition pushed me to have a good idea, so there too I had to follow my intuition, as sometimes my intuitions are right, this one had to be right, otherwise I would be wrong as sometimes I was wrong when I did not follow my intuition, and it would have been a shame.

This is a phenomenon that happens to other people with schizophrenia it seems to me. I remember a person on the atoute forum (the old forum before la-roue.org) who testified that after touching a stuffed animal and putting her fingers in her face, that she was convinced that there was a risk that it would be toxic to her because of the product used for taxidermy. She went to the emergency room for that, and I think it bothered her that she was taken crazy because of this story, I think the emergency staff really judged her ridiculously (I'm not sure either), I think we had to reassure her by explaining that it is very rare for substances to be toxic to this extent, and that the state would surely have made sure to ban such a product too toxic for taxidermy.

I was also afraid of looking weird in conversations and that it would be very serious that I would look weird. For example, if I feel that if I said hello or goodbye to a person at the wrong time, that person would think I was crazy, someone weird and dangerous. So my thinking was focused on it rather than on a warm relationship and finally my behavior was really weird.

What made me fear that people would see what I thought and what made me look weird was the same thing: the fear of being serious, very serious, sick, weird, in the eyes of others, whether by my thought, or by my attitude that betrayed my thought. This fear, stronger than my will not to think about it, took over at these moments.

A little similarly, with this extremely fear of the gaze and this paranoia, I told myself at times when I began to be treated, when I still had a lot of phobia of impulses, that if I held a knife upside down in the street people would think that I am dangerous, they would call the police, I would have a hard time explaining to them that I am not dangerous, they would not believe me etc. These two aspects of my reasoning: being afraid of the gaze of others, while not wanting to be afraid of it and fears of persecution scenarios took over.

I often had the impression, the fear that people would perceive what I think just by observing my behavior, that my behavior would betray me.

I felt like it was obvious that people understood that I had this kind of problem in mind, when in fact, no.

I realize that I have weird ideas, but they are very fleeting, and I have a hard time describing them, I have a hard time realizing it.

I take such an example: I sometimes believed that nature launched us into life by giving us scores on different human intellectual abilities, and that they are somewhat supernatural entities, let's say Gods who chose these scores (a bit like role plays where we choose the capacities of the people we create at the beginning of the party, here gods would have chosen our abilities at birth) and that it is a kind of competition, of play, between these Gods to find the best distribution of these human capacities to be the most winning human, the one with the best life, who will have realized the most great projects at the end of his life. So, with this in mind, I felt that if I had certain psychic abilities like Einstein or other scientists, I had no other abilities because we could not be perfect in all areas (according to this attribution of points in the intellectual abilities that I had at birth). And it's kind of like I consider this belief to be true, even though I was aware that it was crazy to think that. I imagined myself coming out victorious from life or conversely defeated, and if I was victorious, I saw myself feeling: it is well justified because we are the best, me and my god has chosen my scores, we know how to decide.

Each time, what is constant in these bizarre ideas is the impression that there is a supernatural rule: here supernatural people or entities who will choose my intellectual abilities before I am born.

And indeed when I eat gluten or cow's milk again that contains casein that can have a similar effect to gluten, then it can happen that a few hours later I have a lot of weird ideas that come to mind.

For the mechanism of gluten on the psyche, three doctors explained to me that gluten, cow's milk casein, sugar and soy, tend to degrade the junctions between the cells of the intestine (even for people who do not have a real gluten intolerance) and that often in people with psychological problems these junctions are already a little destroyed. These leaky junctions let molecules from the food bolus pass into the blood, saturate the liver and also pass into the brain and surely disrupt the neurons a little.

Here is an example of other weird ideas that I noted at the time I got it, unfortunately I did not take the time to describe well what I felt, and I do not remember what I meant exactly, it is very confusing, but I leave this text very confused voluntarily to make it clear that it is very difficult to explain his bizarre ideas:

"There is telepathy between me and Lucie (a friend), that she will realize that I have changed telepathically, so if I called her it will disturb this balance, because I will tell things that will disturb her (even if the way I talk to her can disturb her, it should not change everything? Except butterfly effect) as if calling him or not calling him would change everything. To see things in a solemn way, to shudder, to testify in front of a TV camera that I will do grandiose things, a little to see something sacred in me. And yesterday I realized that, and this constant desire to want to fry, to want to be important disgusted me and it worried me that I can not think otherwise. It did that to me after the gluten recovery. It was a good thing because, these weird ideas that were going through my mind seem to have started to disappear at that moment. And conversely imagine that by calling her I will give her tips that will save her, I will free her from a memory that stresses her, (because I feel that she is always a little stressed) and it will change her life forever.

And it is born in me the fear that if I do not take into account this strange idea, then it will hurt, for example to Lucie (this friend) in this case, so I force myself to worry about this thing, I force myself not to forget it … in reality you have to ask yourself the question, will in practice it really change your life thanks to this? Yes, no, maybe! But the impression that we must not forget this idea remains very strong."

As a child I also had this stuff, where I forced myself to remember certain events (such as the lightning on the electrical panel in the hospital of my city at the age of 5) because it would be beneficial for me to remember it. I had the idea that keeping in mind all these important ideas and impressions would make me strong and allow me to save the world, and if I forgot them that was the end. I always have a little bit of these impressions where I want to remember ideas, testimonies, understandings of the things I do, because, I think, they will serve me one day.

as for example that the villains of the matrix (scenario that I felt was real) take over me by detecting me in their network (because the presence of certain ideas in my mind would allow them to find me in their network according to my intuition) which would ultimately allow them to succeed in destroying humanity. A bit like imagining a conversation with a person in our mind, I felt the presence of the person who will be affected by this catastrophe in my mind (here for this example of the matrix, it was the whole of humanity) when I had these intuitions, so it pushed me to continue not to forget that. When my mind bugs, that I believe in these beliefs, rather than forgetting the presence of that person in my mind, I continue to believe in it. I feel that something bad will happen if I forget to take this into account, the negative forces will take over, and suddenly I remain stuck on this worry for several minutes by forcing myself to think about things, or on the contrary not to think about others. If I forget to take this risk into account, it will cause the problem so we must not forget to think about this problem, which pushes me to think about it constantly.

It could sometimes be beliefs not about the supernatural consequences of my thoughts, but about actions, like opening the fridge or whatever.

In these weird ideas, there is the idea that comes to mind and that says that if we do not take into account something, that if we take something too lightly then almost certainly it will be serious and not taking into account it will kill us or bother us seriously. So, in this psychic state, appears the idea that we must necessarily worry about it, otherwise we will miss out. Well this kind of idea can, perhaps, make hypochondriac.

Indeed, for example a long time ago I had a red pimple with a big spot around it, so I thought that if I think it's just a mosquito bite, then necessarily I will miss a migrant erythema (which can be indicative of Lyme disease, due to a tick bite and which can cause serious psychiatric problems, which wouldn't be cool given my situation), and if I forget to think about it I won't go to the doctor to prescribe an antibiotic to prevent this Lyme disease from taking hold, and I'll become even crazier, and that everything will be lost and that I can no longer live well and make my plans, plunging me into worry.

So my intuition that it is surely serious and that it is surely an erythema migrans (so the beginner lyme disease), intimately, if I ask myself the question even if it is a good intuition, then the answer is yes.

So here the impression that if we do not take into account a thing, an idea, it will pose a serious problem, can lead to becoming hypochondriac or having strange ideas. It should be seen whether hypochondria and bizarre ideas are often associated in patients.

I blamed myself for hurting them, for creating a deep malaise in them. Yes it happened especially in the 1st year of medicine just before I treated myself, as I was not in my place in medicine, I felt that I was in the permanent lie to force me to continue medicine, I kept the crazy secret that I did not really want to do medicine but that I was there anyway, a lot of the reasons why at that time I wanted to continue medicine were really crazy. I constantly feared that others could read into me these crazy ideas that pushed me to continue. I was in the lie permanently, I had the impression of betraying people, and that it would make them sick because I will be able to unconsciously transmit to them my problems, and inner conflicts, the unconscious unspoken that create my discomfort, for example when I forced myself too much to learn in the library with friends until total psychic exhaustion, I feared that they would do the same thing and make themselves definitely mentally ill like me.

This extreme fear almost made me feel like people could read the content of my thoughts by my attitude.

As the content of my thoughts was unhealthy, that is why there were taboos, misunderstandings in conversations, and I did not talk about the content of my thoughts, I told myself that it would create psychic knots in my friends and that I would be responsible for contaminating them by creating this malaise.

And so if I thought something unhealthy like the idea that if the person I was talking to gets hit by a car right after the conversation, I felt that this person could realize that I was thinking that. And so it kind of judged that what I thought was frankly unhealthy, it must have bothered him to feel that, and I it bothered me to see that he had to think that.

Same with inappropriate sexual fantasies or unwelcome ideas like thinking that one is demonic in catechism. It was serious to think that in my mind. I was afraid during the catechism of being someone demonic in the eyes of the other students of the cate, as I had this impression, I told myself that it was proof that I really was, indeed when we are told about God, we must be reassured, carried, and not to be afraid of being demonic, if people are afraid of being demonic when we talk about god it is because they are really demonic. I imagined others thinking for themselves this.